Thursday, January 6, 2011


I am not sure how much the human psyche can handle. I am mentally and physically exhausted. The worst part is, I don't see it getting any better. I feel like running away, or curling up and hiding in a closet somewhere. I long to go home. I want to sit in a room alone where it is quiet and think, or not think, just do nothing at all, just listen to the peace inside it. The truth of the matter is, that is not possible. I have no home, or at least no home of my own.

It is hard sometimes, and I realize I should be thankful for a warm bed, food and shelter. I think I wouldn't feel so bad if there were more peace that surrounded me. It seems those I interact with do not realize that words can hurt, and their pain can linger for quite sometime. I'm sure everyone will think me selfish for complaining, and maybe I am, I am ashamed, but sometimes I get lost in the want, the want to feel like somebody, the want to be wanted by someone.

I know God has a plan for me. Maybe I am being tested on faithfulness. Maybe God is saving something really special for me, and wants me to be able to appreciate it. I know that when the time is right, and someday all is right around me I will know, appreciate it, and be thankful for it. I am thankful now for all that I have. Life, children, health is a gift that I do realize I am in possession of. I guess sometimes we all drift in the waters of self pity, in which I have taken part in this evening. Tomorrow I wish and will wake up in the ocean of hope, determination and love. For now I am just going to drift awhile.


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